Self-Pampering | Small Busness Ep. 9

00:12

-: 5882

1:02

How was everybody's weekend? Mine was kind of dumb, but I did do a social media thing on Saturday. I couldn't really decide what brand to do a fake ad for, so I did a post asking everybody what their favorite breakfast cereal was. Had them call into the podcast line for it. I was just going to pick whatever cereal people said the most, but instead I thought it'd be fun to make a little game out of it. So here's what everybody called in and said:

1:30

Captain Crunch, Cinnamon Life, Lucky Charms, Corn Flakes, Cheerios, Corn Pops, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Honey Bunches of Oats, Cocoa Krispies, Frosted Flakes, Kix, Boo-Berry, Reese’s Puffs.

1:41

Boo-Berry. Okay. Yeah, that guy is unhinged. Like, Frankenberry wasn't a deep enough cut for you. He's got to go Boo-Berry. You know, it's a ghost made of blueberries. I mean, I'm all for a good time, but have some boundaries. Count Chocula's rolling over in his box right now. Come on, Boo-Berry. Give me a break.

2:08

Other than that, though, it's a great list. Full transparency that was me at the end there saying Reese's Puffs, because I really wanted to add my own, so I called myself. And I know what you're thinking, but no, you're the one being weird for not calling yourself. Because let's be honest, if you can't call yourself in life, who can you call? Really?

2:34

Anyway, those are all the options. I got them all on this wheel here that Ahmed made for me, and we're going to spin it and figure out which one's the winner. I feel like Pat Sajak, you know, from Wheel of Fortune. He's the goat. So I'll give the wheel a final spin.

2:53

MIKE: Oh, look at it go. Lucky Charms is the lucky winner, guys. Well, it looks like I'm going to be doing a fake ad for Lucky Charms. Stay tuned for that, I guess. What an important thing we've done here. Thank you so much to everybody who called into the podcast line, but seriously, enough of this unprofessional nonsense. You got to pull it together. Everybody needs to settle down now. Just kidding. Let's take some listener questions.

3:30

VOICEMAIL: Hi, Mike. This is Char of Siren's Tail. So how as a small business, do you figure out where to sell your wares and like to market yourself? It would be great to know. I make soap and thought it would be fun to find out. Thanks. Have a great day.

3:50

MIKE: Oh, well, thank you, Char from Siren's Tail so much for the question. In terms of where to sell your wares, this is Amazon's world and we're just dying in it. Trying to sell to brick and mortar businesses nowadays. It's just turning to a killing field. So I’d stick with the whole e-tail thing.

4:07

I was chatting with a couple of my interns, Camille and Ahmed, about your situation. Apparently social media influencers is where it's at. And Camille was saying you'd probably get the most bang for your buck by reaching out to smaller ones. She called it micro-targeting. And the idea, I guess, is to connect with influencers that are super up your alley. Just whoever you think could be really into your products.

4:32

Because most of these guys, they just want cool stuff to show their followers. You know, so if I were you, I'd spend all my free time browsing people's channels, researching, you know, making lists of who these guys are, then reach out saying you love to do a collab or whatever. Offer to send them freebies to try out and review. Because apparently they are really into freebies. They like to be able to tell their friends, oh yeah, all those boxes in my hall, people just send me free stuff, you know, I'm an influencer, that's just my reality now. I'm like a queen receiving gifts from the far-flung lands of my realm. If only I had time to open them all.

5:07

BT dubs, I found your shop on Google. Your soaps are adorable. It's thesirenstail.com. It's got all these whimsical soaps and bath bombs and other sort of self pampering type stuff. There's like a snowman and a T-Rex and this crazy Beetlejuice soap. It's really fun. Just a quick sort of housekeeping note though, you got some of the photos like let me see what it's called the lemon lavender salt facial soap and the shower steamers where the photos look great. But then you got these other ones that they look like you kidnapped the soap and you're sending the family a proof of life photo.

5:44

Like the holiday stuff, the Ninja Turtles, the oatmeal milk and honey soap, yeah it looks like you're holding them for ransom. Maybe you're using a flash in the dark? I don't know, it looks like the movie Seven though which that's not good so maybe consider retaking some of those product shots. I love your stuff though. Everybody go check it out thesirenstail.com and get some cray cray up in your bathroom.

6:10

VOICEMAIL: Hello Mike, my name is Jamie Owens. I am from Indiana and my friend Justin is starting a small business selling Generac Generators. He needs about 4,000 ***** to get started. I wanted to know if you had any good business advice that I could give him. Thank you, have a lovely day.

6:28

MIKE: Well thank you Jamie from Indiana. Go Hoosiers! I don't really root for Indiana or anything but I'm not against them and I like you. So your buddy Justin is stepping into the Wild West of entrepreneurship. All right, atta guy, go get ‘em, follow your dreams, go sell those Generac Generators. Now your voicemail did cut out there for a second. That one part, all I heard was he needs around 4,000. I'm assuming you mean 4,000 dollars not 4,000 generators but 4,000 dollars believe it or not is not all that much when it comes to starting a business. It's a real reasonable goal.

7:09

So, absent a daddy warbucks who wants to hand him a pile of money for free. Most people's first instinct is to hit up people they know, the classic friends and family pitch. The old just spot me this 4,000 dollars you know. I'll pay you back on the first sale. Oh if only I could find the money. Single tear. or they call it an investment you know. Hey cousin Jeff this year opportunity is a gold mine. You know if you're trying me this cash you can have x% of the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

7:36

Irregardless it's a horrible idea. Do not borrow business money from people you care about okay. And don't give away percentages either not for 4,000 dollars. So that leaves us with my very boring and disappointing advice. Save up the money yourself. You just gotta bootstrap it. Now I know that's not what he's wanting to hear but if he's serious about it he'll make it happen. Just get a regular job anything you can find you know just sleep on couches, eat ramen. You're just gonna basically live like a monk until you save it up.

8:09

Honestly it's just the right way to go here. You know in the end it'll be way better than the mountain of drama that comes with owing friends and family money. That's just blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. You don't want to do it. So that's my advice for the 4,000 dollars. But if you're saying he needs 4,000 Generac generators to get started. Whole sale he'd be looking at needing anywhere from 10 to 30 million dollars. In which case my best advice would be to hire a cracker jack heist crew on spec and then rob a money storage facility.

8:48

Alternatively you could marry a princess. Your best bet there would be Princess Sierraravanavariar. She's from Thailand and she's divorced. So uh have at it. Start selling those Generacs.

9:03

VOICEMAIL: Hey Mike this is Mike from St. Louis. I'm just testing your voicemail to make sure it's okay. Alright. Have a good day.

9:11

MIKE: Okay. A little Mike to Mike action there. Well it sounds like the voicemail works great Mike. Thank you so much for checking it for me. But just in case why don't you guys try it out too. Got a small business question for me? Questions about life in general? Thoughts about anything at all? Feedback about the podcast? Deep dark secrets you've never told a soul. I'll gladly talk about you or your business on air.

9:34

-: 5882

10:00

Somewhere over a rainbow you'll find a magical forest where the dreams of human children come true. Have you ever wanted to fly? Bring objects to life or have superhuman speed. It's all possible here in the world of Lucky Charms. It's a breakfast cereal. Frosted oats and colored marshmallows. Whole grain to get your day started off right. And those marshmallows, they're me Lucky Charms. But they're not regular ones. They're not big and fluffy. These are little and magically dehydrated. Delightful bits of stiff dried out foam. The kind of candy that your great grandparents liked.

10:41

Me name's Lucky and I've been here for 50 years. Just living off the magic of the land. Growing, growing magic crops. Having adventures. Just hanging out with creatures who live here. Why I've even a magic clover in my hat. Because I'm naturally lucky. At least that's what my father told me. He's a leprechaun. But my mother is human. So I'm mixed race, you know. All in all it's a good deal. But you know sometimes I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Do you ever feel that way? Then you should try Lucky Charms. It's a breakfast cereal.

11:13

Green clovers. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Red balloons. Rainbow rainbows. Blue moons. Pots of gold. Shoe tunt stars. Sometimes unicorn heads. And other stuff. Whatever is currently going on in my life. These Lucky Charms can grant you magical powers. You know like they make you levitate and teleport. Or you could go invisible stuff like that.

11:35

Oh but ever since human children heard tell of me legend. They've been pursuing me relentlessly to try and get me Lucky Charms. Which I don't understand. It's you know just all you gotta do you just go get a box of Lucky Charms. They're in there. They're already included in the box. I guess they just love the thrill of the chase. And I love a good chase. But you know after a while the fun kind of wears off. It's it's gotten tedious. I end up spending all me time and energy trying to outwit these kids. I'm out here you know playing hide and seek with my own rightful property. And they're always hot on me heels. It's exhausting.

12:10

You know they're literally trying to steal me stuff. But we don't have a judicial system in Fairyland. So apparently I have no recourse. You know I wish some grown-ups would get involved and put a stop to it. It's you know it's it's been decades of this sort of behavior. Just unfettered greed. Why do you need to steal something that's already been gifted to you? You know I don't get it. It’s a breakfast cereal. You can find the luck of the Irish all around you. Lots of people are born with it. Why even Mike Landlot might be Irish. He's never done a 23 and me type deal to see his genetics. His mom and dad have some Irish ancestry in them. But no one knows for sure if he does though because Mike was adopted when he was very young.

12:55

Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Now that I'm thinking about it because I don't believe Mike has ever publicly stated that he was adopted. It's not like he's been hiding it or anything like that you know. But he's just he's never shared it like randomly before. Definitely not in a commercial. So I guess I just kind of announced it here. Accidentally in this Fairyland context. Maybe that wasn't the best idea. You know coming from me. Lucky the leprechaun. Not me news to share. You know it's a breakfast cereal.

13:22

Lucky charms are fortified with 12 vitamins and minerals. Not to mention it's a good source of calcium. But there's also a lot of magic. Oh they're so enjoyable to eat. But please don't be having bad behavior on account of me magic. Then you might not yet to have lucky charms anymore. Oh sure I enjoy a bit of mischief. But I don't support being naughty. Don't be talking back to your mom and dad just because you had too many lucky charms that day. And you got a magic rush happening. Standing there screaming at everybody saying oh I hate everything about this house. You're not me real family. I wish I lived with the Torkelsons. You know and everybody looking at the marshmallow dust on your mouth. You know that just makes us both look bad.

14:04

You gotta go calm yourself down. Because you don't want to do anything you might regret. You know don't like rip all the posters off your wall or you know shave your eyebrows. Just maybe just go into a room by yourself and draw a picture or something quietly. It's not your fault. It's just that you got too much marshmallow power inside you. So you know you gotta wait a couple hours until your abilities wear off and then you'll be normal again. And don't worry whenever you get your lucky charms privileges back I'll be waiting for you. I'll just be sitting here on a toadstool or whatever. You know hanging out just making plans for our next adventure. I promise you didn't miss anything cool. All I did was have a forest meeting you know with some frogs.

14:46

And once you're back I totally understand if you want to complain about your family for a while you know while we walk around and befriend unicorns and stuff. Just try not to dwell on it too much you know because then it kind of turns into a pity party and you know then you're not gonna get to enjoy all the magical, all the magic around you. That would just be a waste of our time together, you know? It wouldn't be fair to you. It's a breakfast cereal!

15:09

And you know, if it becomes too much of a problem, you could lose Lucky Charms forever. You know, they could say, all those magic cereals, they gotta go. In that case, I'd have to ask you to leave Fairyland. I wouldn't really have a choice. I'd just have to walk you back to the border and kind of maybe have a little magical hug to say goodbye. No, I know, I know it's not fair, but oh, what did you expect? You ate half a box of Lucky Charms and threw a trash can at your sister. You know, that's a bridge too far. That's out of control. And believe me, I'm hurting too here. But this is the way it's gotta be, you know? You just gotta go.

15:43

And then you're like, oh, Lucky, maybe you could come with me. Oh, how I wish I could. I long to see the world beyond. Riding a car down the interstate, drink a coffee. But no, the border, that's as far as I go. I have to stay here in my world. I have to stay and welcome the other children who need to go on the adventures. And you know, I gotta take them on the adventures. Look, I blame myself here. Sure, Lucky Charms is fortified with vitamins and minerals, but it's just an incredible amount of magic for your little body. You know, it made you all crazy pants, you know? I should have known better. If only Lucky Charms had less magic in them maybe you wouldn't have gone berserker.

16:22

But you know, I'll always be waiting here for you. Just, you know, if ever things change, I'll just be standing here, you know, with this gnome and we'll be waving to you. Welcoming your back. Dry your tears. In the meantime, I'll be hoping you're out there living your best life. It really is a breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms, marshmallow rich. Welcome back to Small Business with Mike Landlot, full disclosure. That was not a real ad. Just showing potential sponsors out there, my advertising ninjitsu.

17:00

I'm freaking out here. I told you guys about it at the end of the last episode. The band Tidal Volume is doing their annual half Halloween show in St. Louis at the end of the month. They needed a last minute replacement, I guess. So Zach from Tidal Volume asked me if I'd come down and fill in at the show. Which, I mean, I immediately said yes, because I was just thinking about how exciting it was. And it's a great opportunity, guys.

17:25

But now I just, you know, I've only ever done one performance thing at the Rebecca Jaffe show. And the guests I had on stage were the ones talking the whole time. And I was only up there for 10 minutes. You know, for this they need like a 30 minute set type deal or something. I am gonna bomb. Oh. And you know, people say, oh Mike, don't worry, you'll be great. I literally have no idea what I'm gonna do up there. You know, am I gonna juggle? I mean, I did like a monologue and drama class once. That's not, I don't do shows. I don't have songs. I don't have stand up comedy stuff. I don't like have a dance routine. What am I gonna do? Do I need props? Do I need a DJ guy to come on and do wacky sound effects? Like awoo, oh, I don't know. I mean, otherwise I'll just be standing up there all alone doing, I don't know what I'm doing.

18:31

So no, I'm definitely freaking out. I mean, the other day I started seeing stars and nebulae and stuff and then I thought I was gonna die. So I ate a loaf of Wonder Bread and then laid down on the floor of my shower until the hot water ran out. But then you know, I was like, I gotta figure this out. So I started writing jokes on my phone. Just sort of imitating stuff I've heard. They call them bits, you know, in comedy, but I have no idea if they're any good. Oh, what the heck, I'll just read them. You know, what do I got to lose?

19:08

Okay. Oh, okay, here we go. So they brought back dire wolves last week. You hear about this? So did I. I'll say that's one of them. There's all this awareness now about the autism spectrum. Got me thinking about C-3PO, you know, how he probably had that. Autism. So that's another one. And now, okay. You know what I miss? Jell-O pudding pops. You guys remember those? Yeah. And Bill Cosby was the spokesperson, which, and then I just got dot, dot, dot there.

19:59

Okay, so those are definitely not feeling developed enough. I did these other ones that are more, what they call one-liners. It's a type of jokes that people's uncles tell, you know, that Rapskall uncle of yours, who shows up at the family reunion when you're 10. He's there with some strange woman no one's ever heard of before, you know, named Kitty. She's like wandering around by herself, touching stuff. And you're kind of doing your own thing because the only kids your age there are the Masterson twins. And they're just juvenile delinquents because their mom's just mad at the world. So she just lets them run wild. They're throwing rocks at animals and stuff.

20:37

So you're just standing there by yourself looking at a tree and your uncle just comes up to you and he's holding a Miller light wearing this silk shirt that makes you feel weird. And he's like, you wanna hear a joke? And you're like, okay. And then he starts doing these real short joke book kind of jokes, but they feel dangerous. So they kind of make you feel sick. You know, that's the kind of joke.

20:58

Okay. What did the American blonde woman say to the Iranian bartender? I'm sorry, I don't understand. You're speaking Farsi. Well, how many electricians can you fit in a bathtub? Why do you need to know this? I'm concerned. What did Santa Claus say when he caught his elves being naughty? None of this is happening. We're all fictitious. Ho, ho, ho. Okay. Oh, here's an edgier one. There's a Mexican, a Puerto Rican and a black guy and a Catholic and a rabbi and a child in a car. Who's driving? The child in this joke, kids are legally allowed to drive. So, and then some history. What did Abraham Lincoln's wife say when she was at the theater? Oh my God, no. Sad actually. Okay, what do you call where a priest keeps his cash? A wallet. You know, it's just a wallet.

22:22

That's all I got. So yeah, let's see, that took up about a minute and there's like six of them there. So I'd only need to come up with how many more? 174. I need to write 174 more jokes like that. Okay, I'm in deep trouble here. I feel like a dolphin at a track meet. This is gonna be a nine layer dip of Flamin' Dumper Rumpa. Okay, anyhoo, that's gonna be April 26th at Off-Broadway in St. Louis. It's Tidal Volume’s Half Halloween Show, featuring Tidal Volume, Number One Sons and the most spectacular public meltdown you've ever seen from a grown man. Just utter horror for everyone involved. So come watch me burn alive on stage. It'll be a sobering nightmare. We're gonna take a quick commercial break. You're listening to Small Business with Mike Landlot. We'll be right back.

23:25

Ah, is there anything better than getting a massage, having a stranger put their hands on you? Sure, it's weird, but your body hurts. What do you got to lose? I always have sore aching muscles and the tendons are pulling weird. The ligaments start feeling like old rusty bridge cables pulling on the bones in strange ways, like they somehow forgot who the bones were. My fascia starts creeping around, getting tension headaches. My body just completely forgets how to body. Why doesn't my body work?

24:03

I start thinking too much about stuff that I'm worried about. Everything starts locking up and then like I can't turn my head more than 20 degrees on the left side, which that's not good. You know, what if someone's sneaking up on me, you know, on that side? I gotta do like a James Bond whole body jump around because I can't turn my head. You know, if they were attacking me, I wanna be able to turn my head. I don't even think I could stop them or anything. I just, you know, I'd at least have the dignity of watching it happen.

24:36

Okay, why do I feel like I'm having to justify needing to turn my head? You know, how about I just feel like turning my head? That's, I don't have to explain myself to anybody. Just, you know, I'm gonna turn my, I wanna turn my head now. I don't need like to give like a good reason. There's not like a board that's gonna review all this. You know, it's my body. What are, what am I doing?

24:58

My jaw keeps making this really quiet sort of sound. Every single time I open my mouth, it's like some sort of obscure, very subtle Samba shaker. So then I start doing these little beats with it, like Samba rhythm, oh how we like it. But then it hurts worse. Why did I, I don't know, I'm tired. Why don't, why don't bodies work right? Thanks to the incredible professionals at Massage Envy, mine finally can. You go there and there's like a nice little waiting room. Feels like quasi Asian in there. Just kind of a non-committal generic vibe of, you know, the Orient as though ancient Chinese secrets are lurking just around every corner. They're not, but it feels like it.

25:45

And the receptionist is like, oh, who are you here to see? Welcome, welcome to Massage Envy. And then, you know, you're like, I've got a 1:30 with Ramon. And they always have a cool name, like, you know, Ramon, or like their Celeste. Everybody there has just, has a different name. Exactly like the rest of the world, Barbara. Candice is only in on Tuesdays and Fridays. So, and those are the names of the massage therapists. But I mean, that's just at that location. They all, they have different names everywhere you go. But anyway, this is all immaterial.

26:18

So, you know, you're sitting in there, you're looking at their little bamboo fountain thing. And then they come in like, hey, Mike. I'm like, oh, Ramon, how's it going, my guy, my boy? Hey, buddy. And you know, he's like, come on back. And you come back and he'll go into the room. And he's like, what are we working on today? And you're, and you say, oh, you know, I just, I've been getting, I've had this thing with my ankles. And then he's like, oh, no problem. You know, strip down to whatever you're comfortable with. And I'll be back in a minute.

26:47

I guess some people get totally naked. I don't feel comfortable with that. But then you like, you get under the sheet and they come in and there's this music playing that's like, you know, sounds like Enya or something. Like you're pausing in an enchanted forest in the middle of a great journey or something. And then he comes back in and then you get a massage. That's the whole deal. Massage envy, get rubbed up on.

27:22

MIKE: Welcome back to small business with Mike Landlot. Full disclosure, that was not a real ad. I'm just showing potential sponsors out there, the kind of testimonial ads I can do for them. So that's what that was. I just wanted real quick to play one more voicemail from the podcast line here.

27:39

VOICEMAIL: Hi, Mr. Landlot. This is your good pal Ian. I just wanted to say hello and to let you know that I think you're doing a swell job with this podcast. It is probably my favorite one to listen to. I get so excited when I see you post a new episode and have to listen to it right away. I don't know if you've seen the comments. I've been leaving on the Spotify for each episode, but I make sure to comment every time to let you know you're doing a great job. And for sure I'll be keeping out for them deer. Yeah, those dear, they'll get ya. Anyway, you keep up the good work and I can't wait to hear your next episode. Love you, man.

28:16

MIKE: I gotta say that just made my day. I got a few like that. People just checking in and it just makes me so happy. You know, so thank you Ian. I have indeed been seeing your delightful comments on Spotify and we'll continue to look for them. It's the human contact guys. That's what keeps me eager beavering. May I never be thrown in an isolation chamber.

28:42

-: 5882

29:09

And you can always check me out and hit me up on socials @WhyNotLandlot. I'm on YouTube, Twitter, Exxon, Tweetplace, Facebook, Instagram, they're all the same. It's @WhyNotLandlot. The world is a vampire. So please go at me right now. It's all about community guys. So join the conversation and together we can make small business a little bit smaller. That about does it for me. This has been Small Business with Mike Landlot. If you're enjoying the podcast, please leave a review. If you're not, please do not. Be safe out there everyone. And remember, think global, dream local. And just like Ian said, watch out for deer.