David Letterman Is Fine | Small Busness Ep. 8

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00:49

Of course we are talking about small business here, but that's just a jumping off point. We can talk about whatever we want. This is a fun zone. Speaking of which, it's Tuesday. That means it's time for another Mike Drop. And it's the first day of my Apology tour.

01:09

In last week's episode, I erronically said something that just wasn't right. I let you guys down. I let myself down. And it's not who I strive to be. First and foremost, I just want to apologize for all the hurt that I caused, the fallout from that. This past week has been a whirlwind, but I spent the past several days reflecting. And it's become clear to me that I need to take some time to work on myself. I'm going to be doing a lot of listening. Just taking a step back and doing some learning. Because I need to be better than this, guys. I owe it to you. My listeners, to set the record straight here. And I cannot overstate this. David Letterman is not dead. Okay. I thought he was. He's not.

02:04

Saturday before last, I was listening to this long voicemail from my mom. She's kind of jumping from topic to topic. When out of nowhere, she says, David Letterman died. I was like, what? David Letterman died. I couldn't believe it. He was one of my heroes growing up. I was crushed. I couldn't even bring myself to Google it. The headlines would have sent me into full on Eeyore mode, but I wanted to give him a proper sendoff. So Lippy and I did a podcast segment in his honor.

02:35

Xander, my intern out in Cali, hears the episode immediately throws together this beautiful Letterman tribute video, which, you know, totally took me by surprise. He, that is not like Xander. He was Johnny on the spot. He even found this older recording of me singing Sarah McLachlan. I don't even know where he got it. It's some MP3. I guess maybe he has access to my old iCloud folders or something. But yeah, he added that as the soundtrack and just, you know, posted the video to all my socials. It was real heartfelt, you know, but…

03:10

Problem was it was April Fools’ Day. You know, I couldn't have picked a worse day to do it, you know, to be honest, talking about a beloved celebrity's death on April Fools’. That's, that's right up there with talking to your oncologist about test results on Opposite Day. You know, you don't know which way is up. Just bad idea central. Anyway, whole thing comes off as a joke. Everybody saying, haha, you almost had me there. Good one. And I'm like, no, it's not an April Fools’ thing, guys, which then people start getting annoyed at me because you're supposed to admit it's fake once people call you out, they're saying that I'm breaking the April Fools’ rules, you know, which way I'm like, whoa, I would never break the April Fools’ rules, you know, but they're saying Mike, he's not dead though.

04:02

So I start thinking, wow, people are really in denial here. I'm like, yeah, you know, guys, he's gone. We have to come to terms with it. They're like, bro, I Googled it. He's not dead. Now I'm thinking maybe everybody's playing an April Fools’ prank on me. But then Gerald starts texting me screenshots, proving David Letterman's alive. I Google it myself. Everybody's right. He's alive. I'm thrown for a loop.

04:28

So I call my mom like, hey, mom, why did you tell me David Letterman died? She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm like, your voicemail, mom. Why are you gaslighting me? And she's all, Michael, I don't have time for this. And she hangs up on me. What's going on? Did I dream this? I start freaking out thinking, you know, like, I mean, it's a wonderful life. I'm George Bailey, except that instead of my wife not recognizing me because I was never born, my mom's not talking to me because David Letterman never died. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

05:05

So I go back, listen to the voicemail again. It's my mom talking about how she hired this new dog sitter. But when she got back in town from her trip, all her humbles were broken. The house was all messed up. You know, I'm waiting for the part where she says David Letterman died. And I finally get to it. She says it was that feral cat that hangs out behind the house. David let her inside.

05:32

Turns out the dog sitter named David let a feral cat into my mother's house, where it proceeded to tear up the curtains, knock over her parcel and children and liberally urinate on all the magazine racks. Apparently David thought it was my mom's demonic yowling indoor wild street cat.

05:53

To be fair, David let her inside really does sound like David Letterman died, you know, especially if you heard it out of context. Like if you weren't really listening to the voicemail from your elderly mother, who lives alone, you know, when she's confiding in you, her only son. And you're tuning her out because you're busy playing a mini game to earn the 15 gems you need to upgrade the cafe's espresso machine that unlocks the dialogue with the mysterious sea captain who just arrived in sunny shores. It's easy to mishear. You know, when you do that. David let her inside.

06:34

So yeah, that's how it happened, folks. I felt pretty stupid, but retrospectically turns out I was the one in denial. You know, except about David Letterman not being dead, because in my mind, he'd already been dead for several days at that point. And I just couldn't handle the idea that he'd be alive after that because of my very strong subconscious fear of zombies. You know, people rising from the dead. I talked to my therapist about it. But yeah, David Letterman's fine. As far as I know, he is alive and well. And this is a podcast about small business. I'm going to change topics here.

07:19

Not sure if you recall the local politics fiasco. I think it was episode five we talked about it. We had a whole community meeting trying to bring together both sides of an issue and it went real bad. Since then, though, a lot of listeners been asking for updates about the whole situation. So to follow up, I've been talking to Cammie over there at Landlot Sporting Goods. We're at all one down. And remarkably, things have calmed down over there. Seems like most of the customers just wanted to move on. You know, kind of demoralized by the whole thing.

07:51

But apparently a couple of the Lululemons have come by asking about tennis rackets. Totally normal as though they weren't in their month ago, swinging clipboards at environmentalists. No sign of Lorraine. Sergeant Slaughter stopped by, though, his real name's Nate. He apologized for his role in the whole thing, which, you know, that's good. And I saw one of the spray tanners at Landlot Fitness. I was joshing him a little like, you know, try not to assault any frogs. He looked embarrassed, which good, because he should be. But all in all, Cammie reports things are pretty much back to normal at Ye Olde Sporting Goods de Landlot. No more signs in the window. That's for sure.

08:34

But speaking of signs, this was hilarious. I ran into Becca, Cammie’s girlfriend at the supermarket. We kind of bonded from this whole thing. She was telling me how the whole fracasee of people throwing the Nerf balls had kind of been the final straw that tipped the camel's hump for Cammie. So, uh, she put up a sign on the Nerf cage that said, don't play with balls. And Becca was like, what are you doing?

09:10

Cammie’s like, I'm not putting up with that again. But I don't mean it like that. Oh, you can't put up a sign that says, don't play with balls. Oh, boy. Poor Cammie. Anyway, she took the sign down, but oh man, Becca and I were laughing about that. Cammie, if you're listening, please don't get mad at us. It's just funny, you know, on multiple levels. And you know, I think you're a superstar. You're the best, Cammie. That's the community side of things. But the issue itself is still unresolved. We're going to tackle that next. We've got a very special guest here coming up. But first, we're going to take a quick commercial break. You're listening to Small Business with Mike Landlot. We'll be right back.

10:00

There's a lot of rules in this world. You're supposed to do what they tell you. Color inside the lines. Show up on time. Keep your hands to yourself. But you don't play by their rules. You're a rebel, a maverick. You go against the grain. You do what you think is right and you do it when you feel like it. That's because you wear Levi's jeans. You got to be honest. You got sick of them telling you what to do. Parents always ragging on you. Teachers bugging you. Your boss just busting your chops. But you see through all that. You're not some ant in an aunt farm. And you're not going to be a cog in their machine. You go your own way. Because you're the latest model in a rich history of American rebels. And you don't just wear Levi's. You live them.

10:45

For 150 years, Americans have been sliding their Levi's on one leg at a time. And getting down to the business of doing whatever they feel like doing. And back in the olden days, that meant manual labor. Started out as work wear for miners. No, not kids. That part came later. People who worked in mines. And we're not talking about the Seven Dwarfs here. We're in goofy cotton hats and tiny linens. We're talking about roughshod denim coveralls. Levi's had to make them real sturdy. Because when you're working down there, deep in the dark spooky caverns of the planet's bosom, all sorts of stuff scrapes on you and falls on you. There's metal equipment everywhere. All kinds of stuff trying to rip your skin off. But hey, that's what those hell cats felt like doing. Going into a danger hole. And good luck telling them not to. There's just no stopping a maverick.

11:38

Then came the cowboys. The lumberjacks and the iron horse OGs. We're talking Western wear folks. Wranglers and ramblers. They needed their jeans to be tough. You can't have your pants falling apart on you. Not in their line of work. Lassoing cows. Riding buffalo. Turning forests into stumperies. All the while, no one. Levi's had their backsides covered.

12:00

But the Wild West is old news. We've moved on. Nowadays, rebels have a new calling. Meeting your buddy at Buffalo Wild Wings. Low-barring business casual at the company dinner. Helping Gary Pendleton move his couch. It's that same Levi's attitude. Being an individual. But not really doing much. But the people who make Levi's are keeping that rugged lifestyle alive and well. In sweatshops. They may not get to wear Levi's on their butts. But they toil day in and day out just so you can jean up and sit on yours.

12:31

The same quality material and craftsmanship that protected wranglers from stampedes is now protecting you. From the slight shifting of couch upholstery. And when it's time to get up and grab some potato chips, Levi's patented reinforcing copper rivets are there to hold it all together. Just in case you stand up a thousand times harder than is humanly possible. We may not be doing the hard work anymore. And we've become so soft, our bodies would likely crumple at the first sign of even moderate distress. But not our Levi's. They keep going strong. So we can keep cosplaying as salt-of-the-earth types. Sure, we got in lazy. Turns out sitting on the couch in our Levi's wasn't lazy enough. Athleisure are where it's at now. These people can't even be bothered to keep up appearances. You know, at least we're dressed like roughriders. They're just laying around in sweatpants. I guess pretending to be a hard worker was just too much work. Lazy 2.0.

13:25

But that's not you. You're a nonconformist. A disruptor. Your life story reads like Rage Against the Machine fan fiction. You blaze your own trail and you come from a long line of bad boys. James Dean, Marlon Brando, The Rockers, The Hippies, Rebels, all of them. And a whole decade full of greasers. While the soches kicked around in their preppy clothes. You rode a motorcycle and kicked rocks. All the while clad in a denim cocoon. Good thing too. If you take a tumble off that hog, there's not a pleated khaki in the world that can protect you from the road rash. You think Dockers are gonna get the job done? Aw, you should probably go sit in the shade. Eat some chilled melon slices. The Levi's crew will take it from here.

14:10

And you know those rebels had holes in their jeans. How come? Cause they wore them so hard. And maybe they were too poor to fix them. Being poor means street cred though. Besides, poor people always get the prime spots in the revolution. Cause they got that moral high ground. That's why Levi started selling jeans with the holes already ripped in them. And then the punks showed up, started using safety pins to keep theirs from falling apart. You know, instead of buying more clothes from those capitalist pigs. So the clothing companies started making them with the safety pins already in them. No matter how you ruin your jeans, you can rely on corporations to start doin' it for ya. Yes, American lifestyle brands have an assembly line that can turn any counterculture into actual culture with astonishing speed.

14:53

Rock, flower, power, punk, hip hop, doesn't matter what genre the soundtrack of your rebellion is. It all ends up gettin' gentrified. That's capitalism, baby. There's not a single revolution that cannot be co-opted by the machine. Look, we live in a world where Lululemon can do a social campaign #ResistCapitalism. Okay? It's like P. Diddy holdin' a #MeToo rally, you know? And we're here for it. Complicit AF, cause everybody needs that swagger. So go on and start your revolution. They'll be selling it back to you next quarter. And it looks good on ya.

15:25

Torn-up jeans tells the world, you got a chip on your shoulder and you're not playin' their game anymore. Just keep buyin' them. You'll get invited to the front of the protest right off the rack. You'll find yourself quickly enjoying new social benefits as people start automatically assigning layers of meaning to your behavior. Perceiving you as mysterious, fascinating and unpredictable. Especially if you just sit there doing nothing. Just looking out the window. Wearing your rippy jeans. You don’t even need to mislead people. Your clothes will do it for you. Because Levi’s knows at the end of the day, the only thing more important than fighting the power or marching to the beat of your own drum is looking like you are.

16:03

Stonewashed, bell bottoms, skinny jeans, Mom jeans, straight leg, wide leg, relaxed, flared, high-waisted, low rise. There's only so many ways to cut jeans, and they got them all on a spinnin' carousel of styles. It just keeps going round and round, year after year. One style becomes cool, stops being cool, becomes cool again, and if you wear one in the wrong year, you will be a pariah joke person that everybody mocks, but then they'll go on and wear it next year, when it's cool again.

16:33

I don't get it. I think there's a fashion Illuminati somewhere that decides this stuff. I do not understand fashion. I don't understand how if you like something, if you like the way it looks, a few seasons go by and then it's suddenly garbage, but then it's not garbage again somehow. I mean, I like pizza. I like the Home Alone movies. I like Bob Seeger. Not in like a rotation where I hate them every four years, but just kinda all the time, you know? I like James Cameron movies. You're telling me that I looked real good in this three years ago, but now I put it on and I'm a clown? Was it stupid then? I just, fashion, just whatever.

17:12

I remember, I was wearing a scarf one winter and everybody was making fun of me, like, you know, like I'm Frosty the Snowman or something. But then like a few years later, the same people show up and they're all wearing scarves. Like what? Did they get like a mass email telling them it's scarf time? And then I look and it's like American Apparel or something has decided that it's okay to wear scarves now. Even though you mocked me for doing it, you're all stupid, you know? You all can just go eat worms as far as I'm concerned with your made up timetables of when things are aesthetically pleasing. You dorks. Anyway.

17:47

Levi's isn't about clothing. It's about an idea. When they're all saying to go left, you go right. Even if they're all saying to go that way, because there's a big forest fire or something. I mean, I don't know. Sometimes I go back and watch all these old movies with these rough sort of go your own way, Levi's types. You know, I always thought they were so awesome. Then I watch them and I'm like, well, that guy's just a jerk.

18:12

You know, just cruises in, makes a bunch of promises, enjoys the free buffet and then skips town. Oh, okay. See ya. Oh, by the way, there's a young woman crying in the corner. I think you may have impregnated her. That's fine. You do you. You know, walking out of a commitment doesn't make you look cool. Why do we like those people? No, I go my own way. Okay, cool, but you agreed to go this way and we're all relying on you. That's freaking lame. Oh, you can't hold him down. He's a rolling stone. What a dork.

18:42

Thanks, tumbleweed. Thanks for stopping by and eating our food. Oh, like what did he do? Did he like dance really well or something? Oh, no, he did some vigilante stuff. Okay. You know, oh, he shot that guy. Okay, cool. He killed that bad guy. So he doesn't have to, he doesn't have to clear his plate. Oh, we’ll, just, we'll just clean up after him. He's just gonna go somewhere else now. He's trying to find peace in the world, you know, so he doesn't do stuff that he thinks is boring.

19:08

I’m sick of people like that. Bunch of me, me, me little freaking me-mes calling everybody else squares. Oh, congratulations on a lifetime of being a dandelion seed on the wind. Don't need nothing in this world. Oh yeah, except all your factory made possessions. All that crap in your backpack there. Yeah, all that stuff was designed and manufactured by the rule following rubes that you don't have time for. Oh, okay. Have a good wander. Enjoy your Samsung Galaxy and button fly jeans. You floaty little driftwood. Have fun at Burning Man. Okay, I get it. Tall, dark and handsome. How about short, zippy and reliable for once? Huh? I don't know.

19:44

Or that Billy Joel song. She's always a woman to me. She can kick me in the shins and steal all my money. She's always a what? Oh, you can't pin her down. She's a free spirit. She's a runaway bride, you know, following her heart, just only keeps her promises to horses. What kind of… that’s stupid? I don’t… I hate that woman. Why do we honor this sort of thing? We're social creatures. You know, we're relying on each other to maintain civilization.

20:10

Do we even have values as a society anymore? You go to a nightclub and every single person in line thinks they belong at the front. Sorry, there's a line here. You have to stand in it. We would all like to do the activity now. That's why there's so many people here and why there's a line. Get in it. Okay, yeah, I get it. You don't like the rules. They're really inconvenient. No one's like super into them. Oh, why don't we just get rid of all the rules and everyone can just roam around free like a bunch of freaking electrons? Oh, okay. Well, then everything falls apart and then society starts to devour itself and guess what happens? Oh, oh, oh, I go. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten rid of all the rules. Oh, yeah, you think?

20:48

I'm thinking maybe we should come up with some guidelines of how we should do stuff. So this doesn't happen anymore. Like, oh, oh, yeah, good call. Maybe we could research some ideas for societal rules. But wait, ope, no, we had to burn all the books for firewood. So nothing doing. I guess we'll just have to build our new society on bold individualism, you know, and work pants. Sheesh, I think I just talked myself out of Levi's. I guess that's my right. Levi's. You're the only character.

21:22

MIKE: Welcome back to Small Busness with Mike Landlot. Full disclosure, that was not a real ad. Just showing potential sponsors out there my skills. Anywho, the issue at hand that's led to so much conflict is whether or not to build an apartment complex on Highway J. I've invited the senior council member from Green Hook District 2, Terry Marsh to come on the show and help us understand what's going on. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the podcast, Councilperson Terry Marsh. This guest segment brought to you by Marriott Hotels. What's in your ice bucket? Mr. Marsh, hello.

21:58

TERRY: How's it going, Mike?

MIKE: I’m good.

TERRY: And you can call me Terry.

MIKE: All right, Terry. Ter-Bear. Sorry about that. We get a little silly around here sometimes.

TERRY: That's perfectly fine. My neighbor calls me Terry the Mushroom. So...

22:13

MIKE: All right, I love a good nickname. I do want to mention Marriott is not actually a sponsor of mine. I'm just trying out a new advertising format, see if I can't lure in some sponsors, because I don't have any. Now, before we jump into the big sticky apartment building issue, I know you've got something you wanted to talk about today.

TERRY: Well, I appreciate the opportunity.

MIKE: This appreciating opportunity is brought to you by Charles Schwab. The economy is our casino. So let's jump right in. You wanted to talk about Flag Day.

TERRY: That's right. I'd like not only to begin formally celebrating Flag Day as a community here, but doing so robustly.

22:55

MIKE: Well, that sounds fantastic. I am always on board for more community togetherness stuff, and celebration is my middle name.

TERRY: That is very funny, and I like it.

MIKE: So why don't you tell us a little bit about your proposal here?

TERRY: Well, I floated a proposal to commemorate the day locally, rallying around a central festive hub on the actual day, June the 14th…

MIKE: Yeah…

TERRY: …hiring the Jason Johnson band as entertainment, and funding various family friendly stations where children and grownups alike can design their own versions of the flag. See, I've got one here that I did.

MIKE: Oh my gosh.

TERRY: Instead of red, white, and blue, the colors are swapped, so it's blue, red, and white.

MIKE: This moment of anxiety brought to you by Lexapro. Pull it together.

23:52

TERRY: You know, part of this initiative is restoring and promoting regional crafts traditions such as patriotic log staining…

MIKE: Oh, okay.

TERRY: …making Betsy Ross dolls out of fruit, and there's also the time-honored techniques of master pruning of various flowering trees to create flag topiaries.

MIKE: That's really fun, and kids would totally get into the whole edible fruit dolls thing.

TERRY: None of them would be edible. The processes involving perishables require a carnauban embalming stage where everything gets sealed with a thick layer of wax.

MIKE: All right, well, I'm in. Let's do it. We got to speed things along here. This speed up is brought to you by NASCAR. Is this all the white people? So yeah, Terry, how can we make this flag day celebration a reality?

24:45

TERRY: Oh, well, it's an extensive approach.

MIKE: Well, what's a quick way of...

TERRY: I’ve currently got a slate of resolutions before the council and various state committees that would declare flag day a regional holiday in addition to a national one,…

MIKE: Okay.

TERRY: …creating an historic registry to collect any interesting flags from local families, the requisition of signposts and other light load bearing structures capable of festooning fabrics…

MIKE: Alright.

TERRY: …forming an ad hoc committee toward evaluating public sentiment regarding the establishment of a semi-permanent gazebo-like structure in the town square…

MIKE: Well, it s-

TERRY: …for which to launch various initiatives, including the recruitment of landowners toward the maintenance of potential large-scale flag designs in fallow or low-lying parcels of faced-out cropland that would be best appreciated from an aerial perspective, scaled to commercial aviation altitudes, so as to delight pilots and passengers alike. Not to mention-

25:54

MIKE: This cutoff is brought to you by Great Clips. You've got too much hair. All of this sounds amazing. Unfortunately, I got to get to the actual topic here, the Highway J apartment complex proposal. One of the central issues is rezoning that area from single-family homes to multifamily. Can you speak to that a little bit?

TERRY: Rezoning takes a while, but it isn't a problem.

MIKE: Okay, but there's a lot of people who want to stop any rezoning, not to mention building on a landfill. There's environmental concerns, lack of fire hydrants.

TERRY: I haven't heard any of that.

MIKE: Well, but there's a cancer center closing down. There's no housing for working people. You've got serious health concerns. Everybody's saying people are being racist.

TERRY: Oh, I don't think there's any racists.

26:44

MIKE: Like in the world, or-?

TERRY: Look, Mike, everything's gonna be fine. We just need to get Flag Day on the books.

MIKE: Well, this callback is brought to you by Verizon Wireless. It's always the phone with you. I just feel like-

TERRY: Mike, I hate to do this, but Carol has made a fantastic shank brulee…

MIKE: A what?

TERRY: …and she's calling me to help her wet the edges. Otherwise, the caramel starts to get too sharp.

MIKE: What?

TERRY: I just wanted to say thanks so much for having me on your program.

MIKE: Wait, wait. I...

TERRY: You should stop by the house this weekend. We're having…

27:20

MIKE: Okay

TERRY: …some friends over for a parchment bee. So I'll be glazing river rocks all week in preparation. I don't know if you've ever been to a parchment bee…

MIKE: No.

TERRY: …but you gotta swing by. We're planning a shepherd's pit roast for it.

MIKE: Uh….

TERRY: The Philbins are bringing a ketchup casserole and Carol's making her famous turnip pie.

MIKE: Sorry.

TERRY: Just be sure to bring polypropylene socks and a compass.

MIKE: What is happening? I...

TERRY: All right, Michael. Gotta go.

27:51

MIKE: Oh. Okay. Well, this train wreck brought to you by Greyhound. Get in the bus. I think we made some real progress on Flag Day there. So that's good. Thank you so much to Councilperson Terry Marsh for coming out. We always appreciate having a guest here. Just a quick announcement. I will be performing live, everybody. April 26th at Off-Broadway in St. Louis with the band's Tidal Volume and Number One Sons. This just popped up out of nowhere. I'm completely blown away. Just totally honored.

28:28

And terrified. It'll be great though. Don't have the foggiest idea what I'm going to do up on stage, but oh my gosh, it's going to be awesome. You know, thanks so much to Tidal Volume for having me out. I'm just real excited to be part of it. So yeah, coming out to Off-Broadway in St. Louis, Missouri on April 26th. It's Tidal Volume's Half Halloween show. So it's gonna be scary on multiple levels.

28:55

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29:24

And you can always check me out and hit me up on socials @WhyNotLandlot. I'm on YouTube, Twix, Tweet X, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. They're all the same. It's @WhyNotLandlot. The nights feel eternal and I live in fear of silence. So please go add me right now. It's all about community guys. So join the conversation and together we can make small business a little bit smaller.

29:48

That about does it for me. This has been Small Business with Mike Landlot. If you're enjoying the podcast, please leave a review. If you're not, please don't. All right, be safe out there everyone. And remember, think global, dream local, and watch out for deer.